Life Lessons
This month marks the one year point since I found out I had cancer. The only way I can describe the last year is "it was the worst of times, it was the best of times." Sure, losing my breasts, having a hard pregnancy, going through expansions and reconstruction, are not things that I would want to go through again, but now that I am on this side of it, there is a part of me that is thankful. Not many 30 year olds get the perspective on life that I think I have. Not many people get to hit rock bottom and be lifted up by friends and family and feel the outpouring of love like I got to experience. Not many 30 year olds get to say "I fought for my life and I won." So like I said in my very first post - I feel very blessed.
Life also has a way of putting you in your place. A few weeks ago I really started having a downward spiral of pity - poor me this, poor me that. On one of my low days I found out that a friend and colleague's very young daughter was diagnosed with cancer. That was a reality check for me. I should not feel sorry for myself, there are so many people that are going through far worse things than me. There are for worse things than losing your breasts and being covered with scars. That day it hit me, I would take cancer 100 times again and scars from head to toe before I would want to see my children be sick.
I am trying to learn to laugh at things that would have bothered me a few months ago. For example, for some strange reason, when people see me with Kevin Michael, one of their first questions is "are you breastfeeding?" A few months ago, this would have made me sad and uncomfortable but I think I have come to terms with it. Now I just smile and say "no, I don't have breasts" and watch for their reaction. You would be shocked at the number of people that have asked me that. So that is another life lesson I learned, I put "are you breastfeeding" in the same category as "are you pregnant?" or "When are yall going to start trying to have a baby?" Some questions are better left unasked - you never know what is going on in a person's life.
Another thing I have learned to chuckle about is that when I tell people that I have had a double mastectomy they immediately look down at my chest. I know this is innocent and not meant to be cruel, hell I would probably do the same but the first few times it happened, it made me uncomfortable, now I just expect it.
Overall, I am feeling great. Since my last post I have started experiencing a few side effects from the tamoxifen - but nothing severe. My dr.'s and I are trying different things to help alleviate the side effects that I am having. I will adjust. We will find a solution.
My chest x-ray is less than a month away now. I try to think about it as little as possible, when I do think about it, I get sick to my stomach. I feel like I have beat cancer, I would hate to have to go through the battle again. However, I know that none of it is in my control - if it comes back, I will fight it again. I beat it once, I can certainly beat it again. Now that I have two babies, I have twice the reason to fight. Nevertheless, I would certainly appreciate any and all prayers that everything come back normal on the x-ray.
