I will never forget it. It was a Monday morning and I was brushing my teeth and getting ready for work when my phone rang about 7:45 a.m. and it showed up as "Dr. Christian". For a slight second I thought that she was calling me that early because it was good news - it must not be cancer. I immediately answered and it was a nurse. Again, I was relieved, nurses call with good news, doctors call with bad news. The relief quickly came to an end.
The nurse said "your biopsy results are in, Dr. Christian would like to see you at 9:00 am, can you make it here then?" Fighting to find oxygen in the air, I said yes. Kevin had already left for work. I did not cry even though I knew the news that awaited me at 9:00. Luckily we were living with my in-laws at the time while our house was being built, and let me just say, my mother-in-law and father-in-law are quite literally angels on earth. I walked out from the back of the house and they were eating breakfast with Gabrielle and I asked if they could watch her while I went to the doctor. I told them what the nurse had said and I am not sure they said a word, they did not have to, we knew - a doctor does not make you come in for good news.
I immediately called Kevin and he said he would meet me at Dr. Christian's office for 9. I remember as soon as we got there they brought us to the back. Maybe it was just in my mind, but it seemed like none of the nurses wanted to make eye contact with me. Kevin and I just sat there in silence. The silence was deafening but I knew if we spoke, I would lose it. So I think I just stared at the wall.
Dr. Christian walked in with a binder and a stack of paperwork and said "Renee, I hate to tell you this, the mass was indeed cancer." And there it was, there could be no more doubt, I had cancer. I was 29 and had breast cancer. Part of me wanted to break down crying but there was a part of me that was relieved, at least I knew now what it was. I could make a plan, I could start the fight - or so I thought. She talked to us for about an hour. It had a name - Invasive ductal carcinoma. Basically the cancer started in the ducts of my breast and had made its way out of the ducts into the surrounding breast tissue. Although it had a name, there were still so many unknowns - how big, what grade, what stage, what treatment.
I could deal with the cancer, I could not deal with more unanswered questions. She talked and talked. I am not sure I said a word. I am not sure I heard everything she was saying. Kevin asked questions, I listened. I listened for a plan, but there was no plan - not today. She said that she wanted to run more tests before deciding on a plan. She would schedule an MRI, another ultrasound, and run a BRCA genetic test before giving me her advice on how to proceed. The MRI and ultrasound would show us how big the tumor was and the BRCA genetic test would show if I carried the BRCA gene, which would mean my likelihood of recurrence or a second cancer would be increased. She said that the BRCA test could be done today but that the results could take anywhere from 14-28 days. That meant I would have to wait 14-28 days before making a fight plan, that's the point where I wanted to cry. I wanted a plan, I wanted the cancer out of my body, I wanted to know what my future was going to look like. BUT I had to wait another 14-28 days before knowing.
She sent me straight down to the lab to do my BRCA bloodwork. Depending on the MRI, ultrasound and BRCA results, my treatment could consists of a possible lumpectomy or mastectomy, radiation, chemotherapy and or hormone therapy. She just was not sure which it would be until more test were run.
She advised me that in the meantime, I should get a second opinion from another breast surgeon, see a radiologist oncologist, and a medical oncologist.
It was horrible position to be in - I knew the enemy, I knew the enemy by name actually, but I could not make a fight plan against the enemy. I had to wait. Like I said earlier, waiting is by far the worst part of cancer.
Everyone around me cried that day - Kevin, my parents, my family, my in-laws, my friends. I did not cry that day. The crying would come later.
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