After the first 72 hours I became more awake and aware of my surroundings. I believe on day 4 Gabrielle came home from my dad and stepmom's house in Mississippi and it was really good to have her back at home. She said that I was the patient, she was the nurse and Kevin was the doctor; everyone played their part well.
The weeks following the surgery were a rollercoaster. The pain went from feeling like I was hit by a mack truck to the feeling like I was beat with a baseball bat across my chest. However, by day 5 most of the pain had gone away and I was just sore EXCEPT for the drains. The stitch that connected the tube to the opening in my skin where it came out pulled and tugged every time I moved. Essentially there was no way to get comfortable because I had a drain coming out on both sides. By day 6, I was shaking from the pain of the drain and we called my plastic surgeon - I needed the drains out. Fortunately he fit me in that day. Kevin drove me to the plastic surgeon's office and I remember thinking that if he wouldn't remove the drains that day I would maybe lose my mind. Luckily, he said the drains could come out. As much as I wanted the drains out, I quickly began to worry about just how they were going to get them out. I mean there was probably at least a foot a tube inside of me that had to come out through the holes on the side of me - and I was going to be totally awake during this process. The nurse cut the stitch holding the tube inside of me and yanked - out came a long tube with relatively no pain at all. It was a weird sensation to feel the tube exiting my body, but really it was painless. At this point I was over the physical hump - I was well on my way to recovering and the drains were out!
The emotional support I received following the surgery was tremendous. Even when I think about it months later, I get emotional. I received flowers, cards, text messages and emails from family, friends, co-workers, and neighbors. Everyone was sending their love and support which meant so much to me. Some friends that I had not seen or talked to in years reached out to offer their love, prayers, and support. Its things like that that got me through those days.
And lets just talk about the food. Neighbors and co-workers brought over food for weeks. We ate better in those weeks following surgery than we have before or since. My co-workers are awesome attorneys, but I believe they may be better cooks than attorneys. It truly was a blessing to have so much love and support. Every time I would reach a real low point, I would receive flowers or a card or a platter of cookies, or a sweet visitor and I would feel better.
That's not to say that there weren't any real low points. There were. Nights were still hard for me. It was the quiet of the night that always got to me. My mind could think about things that I could block out during the day. The nights were long.
Showers/baths were also the other really low point of my day. First, I had not gained all my strength back, so taking a shower literally took everything out of me for weeks. After taking a shower, I would have to take a nap. Looking back, I am not sure if it was the actual physical toll of taking the shower or if it was the mental toll. When you are showering, there is no way to ignore the deep scars that exist where your breasts are supposed to be. I would cringe when I would look in the mirror. Its just unnatural for a woman to not have breasts. I had a total of 6 scars from the surgery. I had about a five inch scar on each breasts from the mastectomy, I had a 2-3 inch scar right under my right collar bone from where the port was inserted, I had a three inch scar under my left arm from the sentinel node biopsy and a scar on both sides of my ribcage from where the drains were inserted. I felt like a monster.
I kept reminding myself that all of this was needed to remove the enemy from my body. I had won. At this point I was cancer free - the cancer was out of my body. But I sure did have the battle scars to prove the fight. I just kept thinking that there should have been a way to get rid of the cancer without totally mutilating my body - but there wasn't. Nevertheless - I won! I kicked cancer's ass.
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