Zebra Hunter

Yesterday I talked about how cancer stole my breasts and a good portion of my self esteem. Cancer has a way of doing that - even to the strongest of people. It steals away parts and pieces of you, sometimes a little at a time, and some days, it takes big chunks. Some days it is this big pink elephant sitting in your living room, other days its just a word.

When you first get diagnosed, your life becomes a whirlwind. You are in and out of doctors' offices, running tests, making plans, getting concerned phone calls from family and friends. It becomes the center of your universe, and it can feel like it becomes the center of everyone else's universe. But throughout the hustle and bustle, there is a relief in that you are making progress, you are making plans, you are fighting the cancer. Its a fight and you fight it head on.

However, after the surgeries, after the treatment, life quiets down. For those around you, life goes back to normal. Cancer is something that was dealt with, something that is over. Unfortunately, for the one that had the cancer, there is no going back to normal.

The last few months have been extremely hard. Yes I am blessed to be pregnant and that the cancer stuff has been pushed to the side. I am blessed that I did not have to go through chemotherapy and get poisoned every two weeks for months. In fact, I am sure to all those close to me, life appears to be back to "normal." We aren't going to cancer appointments every week, there are no scheduled cancer surgeries in the near future. Yes I will be starting tamoxifen next week, but it wont make me lose my hair, I wont be vomiting from the poison (hopefully not) - to the outside world I will be "normal" and I will look "normal." I will be a 30 year old that just had her second baby. If all the tests they run after the baby is born shows that the cancer is out of my body, most people will forget that I had cancer. Sadly, I wont forget.

That's how cancer steals away parts and pieces of you, it feeds on your worry. In the medical world, you aren't "cured" of cancer until you go 5 years without a recurrence. But to the regular world, you are "cured" as soon as the cancer is out of your body. While we hope and pray that the cancer is out of my body now, this doesn't mean that I am "cured;" it means I am in remission. And I guess until a doctor can tell me I am CURED, I will worry.

The most common sites of breast cancer metastasis are the brain, the bones, the liver and the lungs. All my doctors have told me this and this haunts me. I have become what doctors call a "zebra hunter." When you hear hooves galloping in the distance, you are supposed to think of horses running, you are not supposed to think of zebras running. Similarly, when I get a headache, I am supposed to think that its just a normal headache; unfortunately I think that it is cancer that has spread to my brain. When I start to have pain in weird areas of my body, I think its the cancer that has spread to my bones. This is why I HATE cancer, it has stolen my comfort and my peace of mind.

BUT cancer is not all evil. Cancer has changed my life for the better in a lot ways. I do not take anything, anyone, or any day for granted. I notice the small things in life a lot more. I cherish every second with Gabrielle, even when it is 4:30 A.M. on Easter morning and I want to sleep and she wants to see what the Easter Bunny brought her. I cherish life. I am glad to be alive. I am glad for every day. Cancer may have stolen some things, but it wont get all of me. It wont get the best of me.