#1 - Unremarkable Chest
Last Thursday I had my chest x-ray. This was the first time we would get to see what was going on in my chest since my mastectomy last August. Due to the pregnancy, they weren't able to do any tests earlier than this. I had a knot in my stomach and a lump in my throat for a few days before the x-ray. Its that whole waiting thing again - waiting to hear that you are cancer free or waiting to hear if the cancer is still invading your body. Either way, I wanted to know BUT I was hoping and praying that there would be no signs of cancer. I thought I was going to have to wait until my oncologist appointment the following Tuesday to get my results.
Much to my surprise, when I opened my email first thing on Friday morning, I had an email stating that I could review my results on-line. Pretty crazy right? Right there on the computer screen I would see what I had been waiting a year to see. I could have thrown up while trying to log in to see my results. My shaking hands couldn't type quite fast enough. And then I paused and thought, if it is bad news, is this how I want to find out - by email? In hindsight, I am pretty sure a doctor would have called me if it was bad news prior to putting my results online. But I opened up my records and it was the news I hoped and prayed for:
******** Radiology Results ********
Order: B71020 BBXR CHEST 2 VIEWS PA AP LAT
I highlighted the most important words: "UNREMARKABLE CHEST". I could have cried tears of happiness just reading those words. Two years ago, if someone had called my chest "unremarkable," I would have been quite offended! But now, those words were music to my ears. I could breathe again. My shoulders felt lighter.
#2 - My Oncology Appointment
Yesterday afternoon I saw my oncologist. It is always a treat to see him because he is so kind and positive. We talked about my x-ray results and he said that everything looked great. He also did a physical exam and said that he believes that everything is fine and for me "to keep doing what I am doing." I am still waiting on my blood test results which weren't in for my appointment. They said that they would only call if something was wrong - and since I haven't received a call yet today - I am going to believe that that means everything was normal. As my friend Julie would say "I was doing a happy dance" on the way out of my appointment. I walked out of the building to a sky that was a little more blue and a world that was a little more beautiful. And I felt something that I hadn't felt in a while - relief.
I am scheduled to go back to my oncologist again in three months. This is where the only bad part of the appointment comes in; before I go back in three months I have to have a colonoscopy. Pretty crappy, right? (no pun intended). So my oncologist referred me to a GI doctor who will be doing the colonoscopy in the next few weeks. I am still not 100% certain why I have to have one at my age, the usual age for a colonoscopy is 40 or 50 I think. I am only 30. I am guessing it is because I have the BRCA gene which could lend itself to some GI cancers, I really don't know, its just a guess. But anyway, what the doctor wants, the doctor gets - even if it is a colonoscopy.
We talked about my scars and he wants me to talk to my plastic surgery about fixing some of my scars next time I "go under." He said I am too young to have so many visible scars and he things a lot of them could be corrected by surgery or steroid injections. That news made me happy and brings me to the next topic.
#3 - Nipples
Ok, so this is a really awkward topic and I have debated in my mind whether to blog about it or not. But its my reality, so I will talk about it. I met with my plastic surgeon earlier this month for a post- reconstruction appointment. Now that my body is mostly (certainly not 100%) back in place after pregnancy, I have to say I am much more satisfied with the reconstruction. Don't get me wrong, they will never be the same as real breasts, but I don't cringe every time I look in the mirror anymore. The plastic surgeon and his nurse both said that it is one of the best reconstruction results that they have seen, but they could say that to everyone - but I will tell myself that they were being sincere.
The next step in the process is getting nipples. Bizarre, I know. Getting nipples - that's not like stopping at the store for new shoes or a new purse - its nipples. Its actually kind of funny, women spend their entire lives trying to cover and hide their nipples from showing and here I am wanting them. Maybe its true, maybe women are never happy and always want what they cant have. But anyway, so the original plan was to just do it under local anesthesia in the plastic surgeon's office in a month or two. But of course, I had to start requesting tweaks and fixes. So I walked out of the appointment with another "real" surgery scheduled - full anesthesia at the hospital, but outpatient. So the plan is in October, they will put me to sleep and cut way the current scars, pull the skin tighter and create nipples. I didn't even ask how exactly they do that, I am sure I could watch a youtube video on it, but I am not sure I want to. I just want it done. The cutting of the scar and the pulling of the skin will help to even out the last of the unevenness. Surgery should not take that long at all and he said that the recovery should be minimal, lets hope that is true. So I will wake up that morning without nipples and go to bed with nipples, so very strange. Even as I type this, it all doesn't seem real, I still have days where I cant believe this is my reality.
After a few months of healing after the nipple surgery, the next step will be to get areolas tattooed. I never really imagined myself as the tattoo type, but I guess I will end up being one. He said that we would discuss size, color, etc later. I mean, I am not sure if they hand you a catalogue and say "go ahead and pick out your nipples please." Maybe they have like a Skymall magazine for nipples? When I imagine it, for those of you that read Divergent, I picture myself being a Dauntless and Tori giving me a tattoo in a dark underground pit. I know this will be very far from what it will be like, but it makes me feel a little tougher to think of myself as a Dauntless. After the last year, I think I could be a Dauntless. (Who am I kidding, I would definitely opt for the worry free Amity. Ok enough of my literary nerdiness).
After the tattoos, I will be DONE with my reconstruction!! I would like to say that I will be done with surgeries too, but unfortunately they are telling me that I have to have a hysterectomy next year. BUT I am thinking I will put that off for a few more years. So I will just keep doing my respectful head nod when all of my doctors remind me that I have to get it done next year while I think to myself "hell no."
And I cant do a post without mentioning my babies. Gab started pre-k this week! I cant believe my baby is starting school, uniform and all. I am truly grateful that I am getting to see her grow up and getting to experience both her "firsts" and some of her "lasts". There was a time when I didn't know if I was going to be around to see those. Kevin Michael is 15 weeks old and could possibly be the sweetest and best baby in the entire world. He loves life and seems to just be happy to be alive; he actually has no idea just how lucky he is and what a miracle he is, but I know he is destined for great things.
Thanks for all the prayers, please keep praying, I know they are working!
- Exam Completion Date:08/07/2014 12:06
I highlighted the most important words: "UNREMARKABLE CHEST". I could have cried tears of happiness just reading those words. Two years ago, if someone had called my chest "unremarkable," I would have been quite offended! But now, those words were music to my ears. I could breathe again. My shoulders felt lighter.
#2 - My Oncology Appointment
Yesterday afternoon I saw my oncologist. It is always a treat to see him because he is so kind and positive. We talked about my x-ray results and he said that everything looked great. He also did a physical exam and said that he believes that everything is fine and for me "to keep doing what I am doing." I am still waiting on my blood test results which weren't in for my appointment. They said that they would only call if something was wrong - and since I haven't received a call yet today - I am going to believe that that means everything was normal. As my friend Julie would say "I was doing a happy dance" on the way out of my appointment. I walked out of the building to a sky that was a little more blue and a world that was a little more beautiful. And I felt something that I hadn't felt in a while - relief.
I am scheduled to go back to my oncologist again in three months. This is where the only bad part of the appointment comes in; before I go back in three months I have to have a colonoscopy. Pretty crappy, right? (no pun intended). So my oncologist referred me to a GI doctor who will be doing the colonoscopy in the next few weeks. I am still not 100% certain why I have to have one at my age, the usual age for a colonoscopy is 40 or 50 I think. I am only 30. I am guessing it is because I have the BRCA gene which could lend itself to some GI cancers, I really don't know, its just a guess. But anyway, what the doctor wants, the doctor gets - even if it is a colonoscopy.
We talked about my scars and he wants me to talk to my plastic surgery about fixing some of my scars next time I "go under." He said I am too young to have so many visible scars and he things a lot of them could be corrected by surgery or steroid injections. That news made me happy and brings me to the next topic.
#3 - Nipples
Ok, so this is a really awkward topic and I have debated in my mind whether to blog about it or not. But its my reality, so I will talk about it. I met with my plastic surgeon earlier this month for a post- reconstruction appointment. Now that my body is mostly (certainly not 100%) back in place after pregnancy, I have to say I am much more satisfied with the reconstruction. Don't get me wrong, they will never be the same as real breasts, but I don't cringe every time I look in the mirror anymore. The plastic surgeon and his nurse both said that it is one of the best reconstruction results that they have seen, but they could say that to everyone - but I will tell myself that they were being sincere.
The next step in the process is getting nipples. Bizarre, I know. Getting nipples - that's not like stopping at the store for new shoes or a new purse - its nipples. Its actually kind of funny, women spend their entire lives trying to cover and hide their nipples from showing and here I am wanting them. Maybe its true, maybe women are never happy and always want what they cant have. But anyway, so the original plan was to just do it under local anesthesia in the plastic surgeon's office in a month or two. But of course, I had to start requesting tweaks and fixes. So I walked out of the appointment with another "real" surgery scheduled - full anesthesia at the hospital, but outpatient. So the plan is in October, they will put me to sleep and cut way the current scars, pull the skin tighter and create nipples. I didn't even ask how exactly they do that, I am sure I could watch a youtube video on it, but I am not sure I want to. I just want it done. The cutting of the scar and the pulling of the skin will help to even out the last of the unevenness. Surgery should not take that long at all and he said that the recovery should be minimal, lets hope that is true. So I will wake up that morning without nipples and go to bed with nipples, so very strange. Even as I type this, it all doesn't seem real, I still have days where I cant believe this is my reality.
After a few months of healing after the nipple surgery, the next step will be to get areolas tattooed. I never really imagined myself as the tattoo type, but I guess I will end up being one. He said that we would discuss size, color, etc later. I mean, I am not sure if they hand you a catalogue and say "go ahead and pick out your nipples please." Maybe they have like a Skymall magazine for nipples? When I imagine it, for those of you that read Divergent, I picture myself being a Dauntless and Tori giving me a tattoo in a dark underground pit. I know this will be very far from what it will be like, but it makes me feel a little tougher to think of myself as a Dauntless. After the last year, I think I could be a Dauntless. (Who am I kidding, I would definitely opt for the worry free Amity. Ok enough of my literary nerdiness).
After the tattoos, I will be DONE with my reconstruction!! I would like to say that I will be done with surgeries too, but unfortunately they are telling me that I have to have a hysterectomy next year. BUT I am thinking I will put that off for a few more years. So I will just keep doing my respectful head nod when all of my doctors remind me that I have to get it done next year while I think to myself "hell no."
And I cant do a post without mentioning my babies. Gab started pre-k this week! I cant believe my baby is starting school, uniform and all. I am truly grateful that I am getting to see her grow up and getting to experience both her "firsts" and some of her "lasts". There was a time when I didn't know if I was going to be around to see those. Kevin Michael is 15 weeks old and could possibly be the sweetest and best baby in the entire world. He loves life and seems to just be happy to be alive; he actually has no idea just how lucky he is and what a miracle he is, but I know he is destined for great things.
Thanks for all the prayers, please keep praying, I know they are working!
