August 2013

The weeks leading up to the double mastectomy

I would love to be able to say that the weeks leading up to my mastectomy that I did all kind of life changing, bucket list type of things BUT that would be lie. The truth of the matter is that I went into a pretty deep slump. I would get Gabrielle to school and then I would go home and get in bed. My days were spent crying, researching cancer things, looking at before and after pics of mastectomies on the internet and feeling sorry for myself. People that know me know that this is not my normal personality. But then again, I have never been faced with something so life altering in my life. My strong shake if off attitude was gone. The enemy that had invaded my body had now invaded my mind as well - and was winning. I would try to get out of bed and act "normal" when Kevin and Gabrielle would get home in the evenings, but normalcy was harder to fake than I had expected.

I became obsessed with researching breast cancer topics. I wanted to read something that I could relate to; unfortunately there was not a whole lot of personal stories from 29 year old breast cancer survivors (this is one reason I started this blog). I read books. I researched treatments. I researched wigs. I researched. For some reason, that was what made me feel like I had some kind of control. In actuality, I had no control and that killed me. My control freak personality (labeled by my husband) was spinning down a dark hole.

Pre-surgery consult with the oncologist
I saw my oncologist a week or two before my surgery and he confirmed what Dr. Christian had said - I would need chemotherapy after surgery. He would give my body a few weeks after surgery to heal and I would start chemotherapy on October 4th. My treatment would be every 2 weeks for a total of 6-8 treatments. Due to my age and oncotype score, he thought chemo was the best way to fight this so it would never come back. I found myself negotiating with him, trying to get him to see why I did not need chemo. Kevin and my Mother in law were both with me at the appointment and they agreed with the doctor - chemo was a must. Before leaving his office I had to schedule my first chemo treatment and schedule a class for Kevin and I to take to learn about chemo. It was real. I would be sick. I would lose my hair. BUT this was going to kill every cancer cell in my body - and I was willing to fight.

He also said that at the completion of chemo, I would start on tamoxifen and have to take it everyday for ten years. That meant I would be taking a hormone form of chemo until I was 40. Ten years seemed like an eternity. But I made myself think of Gab ten years from now - she will be 13. An age where she will need her mom more than ever. I want to be there for her. I want to be there when she starts high school, I want to meet her first boyfriend, I want to help her shop for her homecoming dresses,  I want to bring her to get her make up (If her dad ever lets her wear it). I want to see my baby girl as a teenager. SO chemo and tamoxifen it will be.

Pre-surgery consult with surgeon
Three weeks before surgery I had a pre-surgery consult with Dr. Christian. My mother in law came with me because Kevin could not make that appointment. My mother in law was so amazing throughout this time. She rarely missed an appointment. She is the person you want with you at doctors' appointment. She is a very calm, level headed, rational person. She actually hears what the doctors are saying. I am so thankful for her. She was always there when I needed her and she always offered "rational" advice. After having three kids herself and a husband fighting cancer, she is strong to say the least.

Dr. Christian talked about what to expect during the surgery and after the surgery. I was not allowed to pick up Gabrielle for at least two weeks after the surgery, maybe even a month, that news killed me. My three year old would not understand why her mom could not pick her up and hold her or rock her. That part made me cry.

She also talked about how she was removing all the breast tissue, including the nipple. I did not have the option of a nipple sparing mastectomy - it was ALL coming off. She warned me about lymphedema and threatened me that I had to the physical therapy after the surgery or she would make me pay! Of course she was joking, but not really - she cares about her patients and will see to it that they do the right things. She also explained how I would be permanently numb in the chest area and underneath my arms. She doubted that I would ever get feeling back in those parts due to the loss of nerves - she was correct. Its a very bizarre feeling, I will explain more about that later.

She also informed me that she would be making an incision under my arm in order to get to the sentinel node. Basically the day before surgery,  I would be injected with dye at the location of my cancer. At the time of my surgery, she would look for the node with the blue dye and remove that node in order to determine if the cancer had made its way into the lymph system. This would be a process that would happen during surgery. The node would be sent to a lab while I was under anesthesia and be tested for cancer. If it was clear, she could sew up that part and be done. If the cancer was in the sentinel node, she would have to keep removing nodes until she found a clear one. The hope and prayer was that it would not be in the sentinel node.

She then went to the topic of fertility. A topic that I had really not equated with cancer, but I guess it was time to talk and think about it. She told me that because my cancer was estrogen positive, I needed to get off of birth control ASAP. (This will be a conversation with a MAJOR impact - but you will have to stay tuned for that part). She went on to say that the chemotherapy followed by the tamoxifen would likely put me into menopause. She said that if Kevin and I wanted to have more kids, I needed to meet with Dr. Webster, a fertility specialist, ASAP to discuss our options. At this point, my head was spinning - 29 with no breasts and in menopause - that's not how anyone envisions their 20s and 30s.

Basically I felt like I was going to go from 29 to 65 in two months. That's hard to wrap your head around. I felt sorry for me, but I felt more sorry for Kevin. He did not sign up for this. He was thirty years old, he deserved a wife with breasts and nipples and estrogen and working ovaries and the ability to provide him more kids down the road. I mourned for me, but at this point I was mourning more for him. He was losing his wife as he knew her.

Cancer sucks, not just for those that have it, bur for those that love those that have it.

As for future kids, I was quite content with having one child. I always felt like Gabrielle was a blessing and I never took her little life for granted. I always felt extremely lucky to get to be her mom; some people never get the chance to be a mother. Honestly though, I did not have a desire for more kids. However, I knew Kevin wanted more kids down the road. Amazingly, once someone takes the option of more kids off the table you start to wonder if maybe sometime in the future, the maternity instinct would kick in again and I would yearn for another baby. Even though I did not think I wanted any more kids, I liked having that option for the future. Dr. Christian was basically telling me that that option was soon going to be gone.

So I left her office with the details of the surgery swirling in my mind along with the news that in two months my fertility was going to be out the window. Kevin and I talked about it and we decided it would be a good idea to at least meet with Dr. Webster and see what our fertility options were. So an appointment was scheduled. I also stopped taking birth control that day.

God works in mysterious ways...