Dr. Webster

To fertilize or not to fertilize?

The goal of meeting with Dr. Webster, the fertility specialist, was to understand what options we had in case we decided we wanted more kids in the future. I have to say, I already liked Dr. Webster before meeting him; he is partially responsible for my niece and nephew. Upon meeting him, I liked him even more.

He and I met in a conference room and he had the sweetest disposition and kind eyes. He was not only concerned about my future fertility but he was generally concerned about my health. He took his time and never rushed the meeting. He explained to me that science had made progress over the last few years, so they were no longer just freezing eggs, they were freezing fertilized embryos. Basically the process would consists of injecting me with hormones around the time of ovulation, tracking the eggs and at a very exact and precise time, fertilizing the egg and then freezing it. (that is a very basic and non-scientific way of explaining it, and I am not sure its exactly accurate). The embryo could later be implanted into me or into a surrogate - but it would be our child. The upside was that it was happening successfully all the time in others. The downside was that it was going to costs quite a bit of money, was not guaranteed to be successful for us down the road and in order to make sure they got the "egg" they needed I was going to have to be injected with high levels of hormones. My cancer is the type that feeds on hormones. So this was risky. Also, it was going to be a month long process - so either my surgery would have to be postponed or my chemo would have to be postponed - both were huge negatives for me. The quicker I could start treatment, the quicker I could finish the treatment.

Dr. Webster and I talked for almost an hour about the positives and negatives. He told me that Kevin and I really needed to think about things and talk about things before making a decision. He also said that I should consider myself lucky that I already had one child and that my health should probably come first at this point. He was one of the first doctors to look at me and say "I am sorry for the hand you have been dealt. Its not fair. You should not have to be making all these decisions at your age." It was touching to hear that from a doctor. He made me feel validated for all the feelings I had been feeling. That's the point in the appointment when I started to cry.

That evening, Kevin and I discussed the options and we both agreed that freezing an embryo was just not a good option for us. It was a hard discussion to have, especially for Kevin, he was having to give up his dream of future kids, especially that little boy he always dreamt of having. Nevertheless, we acknowledged just how lucky we were to have our Gab. She was always our love, but at this point we realized how truly blessed we were to have her, to get to be her parents.

That night was another one of those nights where I stayed up and watched Gab and Kevin sleep. I was lucky to have them. I did not deserve them, but I was so glad I had them. I cried and prayed "God let your will be done, but please let me live. I am not ready to die. Not yet."

That night I had no idea how my prayer "your will be done" would manifest itself. Kevin and I could make all the future plans we wanted to, but in the end, God makes the final plan. And boy did he have a plan...