My appointment with Dr. Christian was early morning July 23, 2013. I thought about cancelling the appointment several times in the days leading up to the appointment. I did not want to waste both my time and her time, but again, something kept telling me to just go to appointment. So I went.
Since I have known Dr. Christian for so long, it is always refreshing to see her and catch up. Dr. Christian is one of those doctors that feels like a friend - she knows about my life and I know about hers. I know about her girls, her hobbies, etc. So my mind was completely at ease as she was examining me and we were laughing and joking about daughters, working out, etc. And then I hear the words everyone wants to hear at a doctor's office - "I do not feel anything. Everything seems to be fine." Phew. That was great news to hear. She also said that cancer typically does not cause pain, so it was actually a good sign that I felt pain. Her initial reaction was that it was hormonal fluctuations causing the discomfort and that it would get better on its own. So I was right, I wasted both my time and her time. BUT being the awesome doctor that she is, she said "while you are here, go on down and get a mammogram. It wont hurt to be extra cautious." So that's what I did.
I went to the lab and x-ray wing of the hospital where I was greeted by these little old ladies who handed me a paper gown and offered me tea or water. I was a little aggravated that I had to wait around and miss more work to get a mammogram that I clearly did not need, heck I am only 29 years old. I looked around I was at least 25 years younger than any other woman sitting around in a pink paper gown waiting on a mammogram. This was going to be a waste of my time.
I finally get called back for my mammogram. For anyone that has not had a mammogram, they are not the most comfortable of tests, but as I have learned, they are LIFESAVERS! So this really sweet tech who is about my age starts handling my breasts trying to get them in the perfect position to be smashed and resmashed and then smashed again to get the most clear picture. Its fun...
The tech started on the right breast - the one in which I had been having pain. She takes a few shots of that one and moves on to the left one. Everything seemed to be going fine. The first indication that anything was wrong was when I started counting the number of pictures she was taking of the left breast and how many times she kept coming to readjust my breast and get the machine tighter. Hmm, why is she paying so much attention to the breast that isn't even hurting?? Sign number two that something was wrong - when the tech says "I need to step out and show the radiologist some of these slides, I will be right back." Well here comes that gut feeling, something isn't right. The bubbly tech comes in a little less bubbly and says she needs to try to get a few more pictures for the radiologist. My breast had almost had it by this point, but there was nothing I could really do at this point but tough it out (I am not the greatest at toughing it out). The tech takes more pictures and leaves the room again. She comes back in and says that I can go back to waiting room but not to get dressed yet. So at this point, its clear there is something they are seeing that they are not liking. I go back to waiting room in my pink paper gown and start googling things on my phone to see what sort of things they can determine by mammogram. I am a wee bit of a hypochondriac, so I immediately diagnosed myself with breast cancer from a website.
Another tech comes and gets me from the waiting room and says that the radiologist wants to do an ultrasound of the left breast to get some more pictures. Radiologist techs must be trained in poker faces. I keep asking questions about what they are looking for and what they are seeing, but she gives nothing up. She says she needs to step out to show the radiologist some things. So at this point, I know something is wrong and tears begin to well up in my eyes. The radiologist comes in himself and says that he wants to take a closer look at some suspicious spots. He takes his time and I now see on the screen what they must be seeing that is concerning them, a bundle of tiny white spots. To me, it looks innocent enough, just a bunch of tiny white dots. After what seems like hours of silence, although I think it was only minutes, the radiologist speaks. He says that he does not like what he is seeing and that it is "very suspicious". The white dots are calcifications which can be indicative of cancer. He says that he will write up a report and then I need to go straight back to Dr. Christian's office to determine the next step. At this point I am trying to not cry, I am trying to hold it together. I bite my lip to keep the tears from coming. I wait for the report and then head back to Dr. Christian's office. She sits down with me and explains that while this cluster of white calcifications is suspicious, there is only a 20% chance that it is cancer. I like those odds - there is only a 1 in 5 chance that it is cancer. She explains that the next step is a biopsy to determine what exactly it is. Her next opening for a biopsy was two days later, I immediately tell her I want it done ASAP. I would take the first available appointment. So I take the July 25th appointment.
I immediately call my husband and tell him the news. I am pretty sure he was in shock, but I do not believe that he thought it was cancer. In fact, no one I told believed that it would be cancer. Deep down, I knew it was cancer.
Kevin and I agreed that he would get Gabrielle from school and that I should tell my brother and mom in person about the possibility of it being cancer. There are moments in life that you will never forget. This day was one of those - telling my mom and brother in person and telling my dad by phone were one of those moments.
I first went to my brother Scotty's office. I swore to myself that I would not cry and that I was going to make it sound as casual as possible. So after several minutes of small talk about our kids, etc, I tell him that the doctors found a mass they did not like and that there is a possibility that it is cancer. Anyone that knows SB and me, know that we are close. We know what each other are thinking most of the time and we can communicate on a non-verbal level that no one else can really understand. His face said one thing and his mouth said another thing - "Renee, its not going to be cancer. I just know its not cancer." His face didn't agree with his words. I do not totally remember but I think I made it through without crying.
Next stop was my mom's office. I KNEW I had to be tough for this one. My mom may be the strongest woman I have ever met in my entire life UNTIL it comes to her kids and grandkids, then she is a total mess. So I walk into her office and tell her the news, much to my surprise she handled it well. She has lived through it, twice. She kept calm and just said, if it is cancer, we will take care of it. We will do what we have to do. Wow, my mom was handling the news rationally, I could not believe it. I am sure the moment I left and closed the door she lost it, but she stayed strong for me. And for that, I was grateful.
I made several calls that day (my dad, my best friend Julie, my cousin, my co-workers) and everyone said the same thing - its not going to be cancer, you are too young!
I knew that day it was cancer.
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