July 25, 2013

So Dr. Christian advised me that the best way to get the best samples of the area was through a stereotactic biopsy. I didn't really care how or what she was going to do, I just wanted it done as quickly and as pain free as possible and I wanted the results ASAP. While a stereotactic biopsy is cruel in and of itself (I will explain in a bit) it is not nearly as cruel as them telling me that it could take up to 10 days to get the results. I can honestly say, the waiting part is the worst part of cancer. Your life becomes a waiting game - you wait to find out if you have cancer, you wait to get appointments with the doctors you need to see, you wait on tests, you wait in waiting rooms, you wait on results, you wait to see what your treatment plan will be, and you wait to see if the cancer will kill you. So yes, without a doubt, the waiting part is the cruelest part of cancer.

Biopsy Day

As I got to the Women's Breast Center I was greeted by social worker who sat me down and talked to me about my emotional state. Of course, I gave the obvious answers - "I am fine, I am not worried, I will be ok, I have a great support system, etc." BUT what I really wanted to say was, "Hey look lady, I am sure you are a very nice lady, and if I was meeting you under different circumstances, I would like you. But right now I do not like you, I don't need you to smile at me and tell me everything will be okay and hand me a little bag with nail polish and clippers in it. I am NOT ok. I am 29 years old and they think I have cancer. I have a three year old that needs to me. I need to see her grow up. I need to see her go to kindergarten, I need to see her graduate high school, I need to see her get married. I NEED to be a normal 29 year old wife and mother." Of course I didn't say that, I gave my strongest smile and I faked my strongest confidence.

So back to this stereotactic biopsy. It basically goes like this:

You have to lie facing down on a biopsy table. The breast that is being biopsied hangs through an opening in the table. (Seems like modern medicine could have figured out a better way for this procedure by now.) The table is raised and the doctor performs the biopsy from underneath.

A stereotactic biopsy includes the following steps:

• The health care provider first cleans the area on your breast. Numbing medicine is injected. This may sting a bit.
• The breast is pressed down to hold it in position during the procedure. You need to hold still while the biopsy is being performed.
• The doctor makes a very small cut on your breast over the area that needs to be biopsied.
• Using a special machine, a needle or sheath is guided to the exact location of the abnormal area. Several samples of breast tissue are taken.
• A small metal clip may be placed into the breast in the biopsy area. The clip marks it for surgical biopsy later, if needed. http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/007433.htm

The doctor then leaves the room and looks at the samples to make sure that the tiny white dots are in the samples. Voila, you are done.

The whole process did not take that long. I had prepared myself for the worst and it was not as bad as I expected. I have to say, the most memorable part of biopsy day was the awesome dinner my husband cooked me that night - scallops and pasta - my two favorites.

The days following the biopsy

I was a little sore for the next few days but nothing to write home about. The days were ok, I kept busy being a mom, a wife and lawyer. But nothing in my life prepared me for the nights. I dreaded the nights - the silent stillness of the nights where I was left alone with the fear and the thoughts. I just wanted to KNOW. If they told me it was not cancer, I could move on. If they told me it was cancer, I could make plan. But not knowing was so cruel. I pleaded with God, please, I know I probably deserve cancer for all the people I have hurt in my life, especially recently, but Gabrielle doesn't deserve a mom with cancer. God PLEASE let me see my baby girl grow up.

Of course, in the darkness of nights, your mind thinks the worst. I thought I was dying. I would stay up for hours and just watch Gabrielle and Kevin sleep. Not wanting to miss a second of their lives - even if they were just sleeping.

I researched every cancer site, I knew what my white spots looked like on x-ray and slides, I compared it to every picture on the internet. I had no doubt, it was cancer. But I still waited...