The day before my mastectomy - August 27th
I am pretty sure I now know what soldiers feel like the night before they go to war or what an athlete feels like right before a championship game - I knew my fight and I was ready to fight it. I had researched every aspect of the surgery, I knew what to expect, I had prepared for the worst. At this point I had spent so much time worrying about the surgery, I was just ready to get it over. Like I said, waiting is the most cruel part of cancer, but my surgery day was almost here, the wait was almost over. I had organized all aspects that I could - my schedule, babysitters for Gabrielle for the next week, etc. I was ready for battle. The most amazing part of it all to me was that they were going to cut my breasts off but I only would have to stay at the hospital for one night - isn't that kind of scary? When I had Gabrielle, I had to stay for three nights. Birth seemed less extreme than a double mastectomy to me, maybe it wasn't?
I come from a big Cajun family. Our life revolves around family and food. We celebrate and mourn with food. The day before surgery my family gathered at my house with food and more food. It was like a funeral - maybe it was a funeral for my breasts. It was good to have company, it kept my mind off of things, and the desserts helped as well. At 3:00 pm, Kevin and I had to leave the mass at my house and head to the hospital for my injection for the sentinel node biopsy. I was a little apprehensive because they said they would have to do multiple injections into the breast to make sure the dye got to where it needed to go. The process went fairly smoothly and once the numbing agent was injected I really did not feel that much pain (or maybe I was just getting used to the pain of pricks and pokes). All in all, Kevin and I were back home within an hour. I could not hold Gab but for a few seconds that night because the dye was radioactive, it didn't stop me from kissing her cheeks about 1000 times that night though.
My family looked worried - especially my dad, mom and stepmom. Now that I am a parent I understand the worry. You never want to see your child suffer or have to go through pain. Even though I am an adult, I am still their child. My mom said 100 times "I wish it was me going through this again, you are too young." Cancer does not care about age - it takes its victims at any age.
The sun went down and I was faced with the night; I hated nights. How do you calm your mind when it knows that its body will be mutilated in the morning? How do you prepare yourself to see your breasts for the last time? How do you not question the decision to remove your breasts? Yes I had tried to mentally prepare for the surgery for weeks, but I am not sure you can ever mentally prepare for a mastectomy. When the night came, I realized I was not prepared. Luckily I had to be at the hospital for 5 am, so the night wouldn't last as long as most.
Day of Surgery
My alarm was set for 4:15 am. I had to shower with a special cleanser to remove all possible germs before heading to the hospital for 5:00 am. I did not have to set an alarm, I was already awake. This was the day, this was the day I had been waiting on for weeks. Strangely, a sense of calm came over me as I got into the shower. I had an action plan for the day, and I did well with plans. Kevin, my dad, and I left for the hospital right on schedule. My stepmom was going to stay with Gabrielle for the day. Fortunately, when Kevin and I decided to build a house last summer that was five minutes from Woman's Hospital, we had no idea how great of a decision that would be. I have spent more time at that hospital in the last year than I have anywhere else it seems, I feel lucky that I live so close to it.
We arrived at the hospital and the nurse was waiting for me. I did the normal routine - put on hospital gown and those crazy socks they give you with skid protection puff paint stuff on the bottom, gave a urine sample to make sure I was not pregnant and then the nurse started the IV. IVs suck, but what gets me through the pain of an IV is that you know the good stuff is coming to you from the IV - the pain medicine and the relaxers! And for that - I will take the IV. I don't have the greatest of veins so getting the IV in is never that fun, but eventually we got it in and they could start me on different drugs - antibiotics, pain medicine, fluids, anti-nausea medicine. I asked for the gambit.
By that time, my mom and aunt showed up along with my in-laws. Its hard to find appropriate small talk for right before a surgery, luckily my Aunt Kathy was there, and she can always find something to talk about! I love that woman. They did the talking, I did the listening. The plastic surgeon came in and asked everyone to step out to mark up my breasts so that the surgeon would know how much skin to leave so that an appropriate amount of skin would be left to insert the tissue expanders. It gave me comfort to know that my surgeon and plastic surgeon work together on surgeries like this all the time, so they knew what the other expected.
Everyone came back into the room and the nurse asked me if I wanted some medicine to help me relax. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?! Of course! I have been wanting that medicine for a month! I remember taking that medicine and not much else after that. I was OUT. I do not remember going into surgery, the surgery, or much else about that day. I vaguely remember waking up after surgery and asking if the nodes were clear and they said yes, and I went straight back to sleep.
I have later found out that I had visitors all day - none of which I remember. But thank you to all of those that came and visited and I am sorry I was not a great host!
August 28th ended without me knowing it - but I had survived the dreaded day! Tomorrow was a new day...
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