I turned 30 on September 8th. What can I say about this day? I had a wide range of emotions. First, I felt blessed, I felt blessed to have Kevin and Gabrielle, my family, and to be alive. I never thought my mortality would be something I would think about so much on my 30th birthday, but it overwhelmed my thoughts. Kevin invited our families over and grilled and his mom brought over a birthday cake to celebrate. When everyone sang me happy birthday and I blew out my candles I began to cry, and I could not stop. I was overwhelmed. I was surrounded by my blessings, and I was alive to experience it. I guess I had always kind of envisioned a big blow out weekend in Vegas with Kevin and friends for my 30th birthday, but at that moment, in my kitchen, with my family and Kevin's family, there was no other place I wanted to be. I felt like the luckiest girl alive, just to be alive. I silently prayed, "God, please let me have a lot more birthdays just like this one."
I will never take another birthday for granted.
The "Pump Ups"
So far the cancer cruelty list goes like this:
1. Waiting
2. Drains
Well #3 would be the tissue expanders. I am pretty sure the tissue expander was invented in ancient China as a torture device at the same time as the bamboo shoots.
A breast tissue expander is an inflatable breast implant designed to stretch the skin and muscle to make room for a future, more permanent implant.
The deflated expander was placed under my chest muscles at the time of the surgery. Once a week I had to go to my plastic surgeon to get "pumped up." This was an odd experience each time. Basically the doctor would use a magnet to find the port and insert a huge needle into my breast and inject saline into the tissue expander. So once a week for 5 weeks, I got to watch myself "grow" like during puberty, but in fast forward. Very bizarre. The actual "pump up" process never hurt, I had lost all feelings in my chest since the surgery. However, I can still feel sensation. And that is why tissue expanders get the award for #3 in the cruelty ranking. They are heavy and hard. The best way I can explain it is that its like having bricks inserted under your chest muscles. Its impossible to get comfortable to sleep if you have to lay down on bricks. I would toss and turn and could never get comfortable. They were also very heavy, if I laid on my back to sleep, I felt like the expanders were smothering me. I HATED the expanders and I could not wait until they could be replaced with permanent implants. But this was part of the reconstruction process, so I endured. The plan was to replace the expanders with permanent implants as soon as I finished chemo. So I would have to wait a few months.
September 14, 2013 - the "Chemo Cut"
Most people that know me would say that my hair is one of my most distinguishing features. Kevin still jokes that its his favorite part about me. I have always had long thick black hair. I was born with a headful of thick hair and I have had it since. I have had different hairstyles along the way, but most people would equate me with my long thick black hair.
As part of my chemo research, all of the books recommended getting a "chemo cut" before starting chemo. I was scheduled to start chemo on October 4th. The books say that its less of a shock to go from short hair to no hair than from long hair to no hair. So on Saturday, September 14, I scheduled an appointment with my cousin Jennifer who cuts hair for my "chemo cut." I did this because the books said this is what I should have done, but not having hair was going to be shocking to me regardless. When I got to the salon, Jenn and decided that I should cut it right around chin length and a little shorter in the back. I watched my hair fall as she snipped. I felt like a warrior getting ready for battle. It was hard to see my hair fall to the ground, but chemo was the next part of my fight, and I was going to face it head on (albeit maybe bald head...).
I left the salon feeling pretty good. I felt like I was being proactive. I felt like I was in control. Jenn did a great job with my "chemo cut." Chemo was going to be no match for me.
Nevertheless, if I would have known on Saturday what I found out on Monday, I would have never gotten that haircut...
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