September 16, 2013

The Day My Life REALLY Changed Forever

I decided that I would try to go into the office for the first time since my mastectomy on September 16, 2013. I knew I did not have the stamina to make it all day, but I thought it would be good for me to go in for a few hours and catch up on some files. My little alarm clock (AKA Gabrielle) woke me up around 6:30 that morning. Usually one of the first things I do in the morning is drink water. This morning as I took my first sip of water, I knew something was not right. It was an all too familiar of a feeling. I knew the feeling. Its the same way I felt for months after finding out I was pregnant for Gabrielle.

My mind starting racing. With the cancer and surgery and recovery, I had not thought about my cycle. I mean hell, I was about to be put into a chemical menopause, the last thing on my mind was my cycle or the possibility of being pregnant. I started going through the dates in my mind - Dr. Christian told me to get off of birth control, I did. I had a cycle, 2.5 weeks later I had my mastectomy. Could pregnancy even be possible?!?!?! No way, it couldn't be possible. Or could it be? (I mean there was a time or two where it could have happened, but NO, it couldn't have happened) A lot of four letter words ran through my head. I was definitely late, but that was probably from getting off of birth control for the first time in three years, undergoing a major surgery and from all the medicine. Yes, that had to be it - I was not late because of pregnancy, I was late because of everything else.

But why did the water I just drank make me nauseous? I became sick to my stomach over the thought of being pregnant. Nevertheless I got myself and Gabrielle dressed and we were off to school and work. On the way to Gab's school, the nausea got worse. As soon as I dropped her off at school, I headed to the pharmacy for a pregnancy test and then home, there would be no work for me today. I had to get to the bottom of this ASAP.

All the while,  I was running through the dates in my head. My doctors have always told me that it takes a couple of months for birth control to leave your body, I had only been off of birth control for about 6 weeks at this point. They made me take a urine test the day of my surgery to make sure I was not pregnant - it came back negative, or so I thought. Certainly they wouldn't not have done the mastectomy if I was pregnant?!?! I am not sure how I made it to the pharmacy and home without wrecking - literally my head was spinning. The thought of being pregnant was making me sick. But that couldn't be it - just the timing of everything made it IMPOSSIBLE.

Three minutes later I had my answer on a stick. WHY IN THE HELL ARE THERE TWO LINES??? I was pregnant. I took another test to be sure, this could not be happening. It was happening, I was pregnant. I started crying like I have never cried in my life. This should not be happening. I should not be pregnant. I am starting chemo in two weeks. I do not know if I will be around to take care of the child I already have and watch her grow up, I can not be having another one. This was not part of MY plan. How in the world did this happen?? (of course, I know how it happens). I cried harder and louder than I ever did with the cancer stuff. I called Kevin at work and told him he needed to get home ASAP. I begged God to make this all a nightmare, I prayed that the tests were wrong. By the time Kevin got home I was in a fetal position. I had spent months making my fight plan, this was going to kill my plans. The little control I thought I had, I lost.

I know, I know. I know. I know what I should be saying right now and I know what people want to hear. Babies are such a blessing, I should consider this a miracle, I should have been rejoicing that God was giving us another child in all of the turmoil. I wish I could have thought these thoughts. But I didn't. I did not want another child - especially not right now. I just kept thinking "God, why are you doing this to me? First cancer and now pregnancy. Have I not been punished enough for my sins??" Again, I know that people are going to judge me for this post. People will say and think "Babies are never punishment and I should not have written that." I promised to keep this blog as accurate as possible, and that day, in that moment, I saw this as more punishment for my sins. I wept in the fetal position for hours. How was I going to get through this? I needed to call my OB, I needed to call my oncologist. But for the time being, all I could do was lay in bed and cry.

I eventually made the call to my OB and then my oncologist. After talking to the nurse and sobbing, she said that I could come in that day for blood work to make sure I was really pregnant. I then spoke to my oncologist's office. Kevin and I went to the OB's office. They did a urine test, blood test, and an ultrasound - I was definitely pregnant. I cried to everyone - the nurse, the doctor, the receptionist. THIS COULD NOT BE HAPPENING. Even my OB went over the dates several times and said "in all practicality, its impossible. But you are definitely pregnant. God must have wanted you to have this baby."

I called my oncologist's office hysterical. What will this mean for our plan? Will I still be able to do chemo? The nurse said for me to come in first thing in the morning and the doctor would talk to me about my options. So I would wait until the morning to have the answers I so desperately wanted. I cried all night long.

God has been teaching me a lot. I wish he would have chosen easier forms of lessons than cancer and pregnancy. But he is teaching me that even when we think we are in control, we aren't. His plans are always bigger and better than our plans, even when we cant see that. God does work in mysterious ways. I am not sure if I will ever understand the mystery of the cancer, or the pregnancy, or most of 2013, but I have to trust that he does. And I have to trust that all of this is happening for a reason. And I have to trust that he will let me live long enough to see my babies grow up.